I remember letting you drive my car. I remember kissing you that one night. I remember telling you I loved you, even though I wasn't love with you,not yet. I remember you climbing through my window. I remember breaking your heart over and over again. I remember chasing after you, so I could feel complete again. I remember falling in love with you. I remember that summer. I remember all the phone calls. I remember leaving 1600 miles away for school. I remember pushing you away. I remember those emails. I remember the tears hitting my pillow. I remember “I’m over you…” You ripped my heart out of my chest. I was nothing. All I could think of were all the dreams I had of us together, of the ones I was too afraid to tell you because it’d make me vulnerable. Now you’re back, and you want me to be open, but it feels like there’s tape over my mouth and my hands are tied behind my back. I’m not the same, and you can’t accept it. I can’t decide if I love you or if I hate you. You long for the beautiful words I used to whisper, but ambivalence has rendered me speechless.

You don't begin to realize how completely alone you are until you meet someone who fits so perfectly with your ragged edges, and then leaves. And then you start to see how truly detached you are from everyone around you and how could you have possibly ever thought that you were happy.

Unsent words part 1.

I’ve been spending nights writing letters to people I once knew (and people I still know), letters I’ll never send.I find a comfort in words. Perhaps this solace is irrational, I sometimes wonder. But no matter if it is temporary or lasting it is mine, here and now.My bones are filled up with words, my freckles punctuation marks, strands of my hair become sentences, growing longer each day.

I only have these words. This sentence and that one. It is not much, but it’s all I’ve got.

Writing is the only way I can communicate. A text, a note, an email, a post-it, anything. I don’t know how to talk about anything, so I keep writing it down. This way, I don’t have to stand in front of anyone and risk breaking down. When you break down, you’re at your most vulnerable, and letting someone see you like that is dangerous.

I am a fortress,I always have been.

I miss you when I least expect it. Some days I’ll let the feeling completely overwhelm me, and I’ll start to remember how you always brushed against me unintentionally or how I would take a whiff of your beautiful curls when you engulfed me in one of your bone-crushing hugs. Some days I wonder what you’re doing now that I’m not a part of your life.