going nowhere fast
I constantly feel this pull between letting you go & between letting you work your way into becoming a bigger presence in my life. The distance proves alot; you obviously never realized how much a part of your life i was until I was no longer there. I feel disappointment after every phone call. It's silly to want something that is no longer there,to wish you were someone you no longer are. Every light & playful conversation brings us back to a topic that I want dead and buried. I don't censor my words; I tell you exactly what I want,when I want. That seems to help move us forward,when I feel that we're going nowhere fast.
NOW&THEN
this past year i fell out of love,fell back into to,had my fair share of headaches,heartaches & loneliness,felt out of place. I look at my self now and I try to believe that I'm satisfied with who I am and what I've got.
Who I was,my age, my looks,my changes, my memories,my mistakes,my life: fading. I’m already remembering this. This phase, this stage, this state of self-adjustment. Bringing me closer to the actual feeling of when I can look back, realistically. Without pretending to have already done this.
I endure it all now...
This year has gone by too quickly for me to understand...how did i do that,why did that happen,how did i go through all of that and still survive,how did you & i get to this point..
But I’ve gone through this before. “Change”. I recognize this urgency, to past time so that I can finally reach… something.
I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. Regardless, I’m looking forward to it.
Who I was,my age, my looks,my changes, my memories,my mistakes,my life: fading. I’m already remembering this. This phase, this stage, this state of self-adjustment. Bringing me closer to the actual feeling of when I can look back, realistically. Without pretending to have already done this.
I endure it all now...
This year has gone by too quickly for me to understand...how did i do that,why did that happen,how did i go through all of that and still survive,how did you & i get to this point..
But I’ve gone through this before. “Change”. I recognize this urgency, to past time so that I can finally reach… something.
I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. Regardless, I’m looking forward to it.
if there was ever one picture that summed up exactly how i feel, and could put absolutely everything in perspective in my life… it would be this picture. but no matter how much you want to, and how hard you try, some of those people will NEVER deserve anything good in their life. they’ll constantly continue to take advantage of it. they need to lose everything. they need to lose it all. because maybe then they’ll realize everything they’ve taken for granted.and even then, that’s giving them way too much credit. some people won’t change.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Dear Mathilde:
The short months that I got to know you were some of the best. I wish we had more time to get to know each other. You & ami made Broadcasting so enjoyable for me. You are such a beautiful person,inside & out. We’ll be seeing each other in Paris soon.
Au revoir,
Steff
The short months that I got to know you were some of the best. I wish we had more time to get to know each other. You & ami made Broadcasting so enjoyable for me. You are such a beautiful person,inside & out. We’ll be seeing each other in Paris soon.
Au revoir,
Steff
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Dear “you”:
The mere thought of being apart from you creates an even bigger hole in my chest. I’d like for you to think that I can live without you, but the truth is,i don't have the energy.My friends have gotten tired of the pathetic excuses as to why I keep you in my life. Only you know that answer.
until the stars burn out,
steff
The mere thought of being apart from you creates an even bigger hole in my chest. I’d like for you to think that I can live without you, but the truth is,i don't have the energy.My friends have gotten tired of the pathetic excuses as to why I keep you in my life. Only you know that answer.
until the stars burn out,
steff
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Dear Jazmin and Ashley:
You ladies were an extremely important part of my world. It was always jazz,ashole,steffypoo,and ling-ling. No one knew me better than you guys. But somewhere along reality set in and we all went our different ways. I want to apologize for letting my pride and anger get in the way,because I know I didn’t try hard enough to keep our friendship together. I will always love you,and I will always view you as the best girl friends I ever had.
xoxo steff
You ladies were an extremely important part of my world. It was always jazz,ashole,steffypoo,and ling-ling. No one knew me better than you guys. But somewhere along reality set in and we all went our different ways. I want to apologize for letting my pride and anger get in the way,because I know I didn’t try hard enough to keep our friendship together. I will always love you,and I will always view you as the best girl friends I ever had.
xoxo steff
A Sagittarius girl.
A Sagittarius woman lacks tact and her flat, on-the-face statements may make you feeling like running away from her. Then, suddenly, she will say something so charming that you will feel as if you are on the seventh heaven. There, you go again! You will be trapped in her charm once more. Once you have been enamored by a Sagittarius girl, you will be staying with her for a long time. She is pleasant, friendly, outspoken and very talkative. Her forthrightness comes form the fact that she has no illusions about the world.
With a Sagittarius girl, you will never have to guess. She says what she thinks and how she acts shows what she feels. This bluntness may cost her heavily at times, even to the point of ending the relationship. Still, she would act as if she’s not hurt at all and it is just one of the many harmless flirtations she’s had. People will even believe all this, while inside she will be weeping and nursing her wounds. All this time, she will be analyzing what went wrong and when.
Don’t be fooled by them. Look deep inside a Sagittarius female and you will find a woman who is so enthusiastic about life and who trusts easily. Infact, this extreme belief makes her heart vulnerable and defenseless. It gets broken too often, but then, she knows how to move on with life. You will be tempted to care for her. It’s natural. There are hardly any people who can resist the bright and charming disposition of a Sagittarius girl. She will not be too good with money and will most probably be on the extravagant side.
As a mother, she will be very friendly with the kids. Infact, she will be more of a chum, than a mom. Only, you will have to teach them to take her bluntness with a pinch of salt. Apart from that, she will be wonderful and make them as independent as she is. She will be a lovely hostess to guests and make them feel at home. Just let her be what she is. Don’t try to change her and don’t curb her individuality. She will brighten your life with her optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower her affection on you. She will encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!
A Sagittarius woman lacks tact and her flat, on-the-face statements may make you feeling like running away from her. Then, suddenly, she will say something so charming that you will feel as if you are on the seventh heaven. There, you go again! You will be trapped in her charm once more. Once you have been enamored by a Sagittarius girl, you will be staying with her for a long time. She is pleasant, friendly, outspoken and very talkative. Her forthrightness comes form the fact that she has no illusions about the world.
With a Sagittarius girl, you will never have to guess. She says what she thinks and how she acts shows what she feels. This bluntness may cost her heavily at times, even to the point of ending the relationship. Still, she would act as if she’s not hurt at all and it is just one of the many harmless flirtations she’s had. People will even believe all this, while inside she will be weeping and nursing her wounds. All this time, she will be analyzing what went wrong and when.
Don’t be fooled by them. Look deep inside a Sagittarius female and you will find a woman who is so enthusiastic about life and who trusts easily. Infact, this extreme belief makes her heart vulnerable and defenseless. It gets broken too often, but then, she knows how to move on with life. You will be tempted to care for her. It’s natural. There are hardly any people who can resist the bright and charming disposition of a Sagittarius girl. She will not be too good with money and will most probably be on the extravagant side.
As a mother, she will be very friendly with the kids. Infact, she will be more of a chum, than a mom. Only, you will have to teach them to take her bluntness with a pinch of salt. Apart from that, she will be wonderful and make them as independent as she is. She will be a lovely hostess to guests and make them feel at home. Just let her be what she is. Don’t try to change her and don’t curb her individuality. She will brighten your life with her optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower her affection on you. She will encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
dear Jorge:
I used to spend every day and night going crazy trying to figure out what I did to make you say you didn’t “trust” me. And I’ve thought about it…you don’t need to forgive me,because I didn’t do anything wrong.
xoxo
steff
I used to spend every day and night going crazy trying to figure out what I did to make you say you didn’t “trust” me. And I’ve thought about it…you don’t need to forgive me,because I didn’t do anything wrong.
xoxo
steff
day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Dear the boy I’m forced to call “brother”:
You’re not even worth more than a paragraph. The things you have done are unspeakable. I hate you and nothing will ever change that.
steff.
You’re not even worth more than a paragraph. The things you have done are unspeakable. I hate you and nothing will ever change that.
steff.
day 11-a deceased person you wish you could talk to
dear tata:
i miss you so much. no one knows how much i cared about you,and how well we got to know each other. you lived with me for 3 years,and in that time i got to know one of the funniest and most caring people i know. you didn't always make the best decisions when it came to trusting people,but i know towards the end,you knew. no one else cared when you told all your stories about your child hood,but i did. no one knows that you were the reason i began playing the violin in the first place,& i remember the look on your face everytime you realized there was finally someone in the family who had something in common with you. it's been a year,and i still cant think about that certain wednesday with losing my breath and feeling my hands shake. everyday there's something else that reminds of you. you were the one who made me realize you dont know what you have until its gone.
love,
tu nina consentida y chuparosa
dear tio:
you were more of a father to me than my own. i remember summers at the ranch,your odd obsession with britney spears,always letting us jump on your belly,and how you always pinched me with your pinky nail. i wish you had been here for our promotion,15th bday,graduation,first day of college... you understood me and angela better than anyone. i never cried at the funeral,and i still havent cried. i feel like thats not something you would have wanted. you were such a joyous person,and so many people loved you. i'll never forget the way you looked in your hawaiian button ups,or the way you laughed. writing this puts a lump in my throat,because i wish you were here so bad.
love,
nenia.
i miss you so much. no one knows how much i cared about you,and how well we got to know each other. you lived with me for 3 years,and in that time i got to know one of the funniest and most caring people i know. you didn't always make the best decisions when it came to trusting people,but i know towards the end,you knew. no one else cared when you told all your stories about your child hood,but i did. no one knows that you were the reason i began playing the violin in the first place,& i remember the look on your face everytime you realized there was finally someone in the family who had something in common with you. it's been a year,and i still cant think about that certain wednesday with losing my breath and feeling my hands shake. everyday there's something else that reminds of you. you were the one who made me realize you dont know what you have until its gone.
love,
tu nina consentida y chuparosa
dear tio:
you were more of a father to me than my own. i remember summers at the ranch,your odd obsession with britney spears,always letting us jump on your belly,and how you always pinched me with your pinky nail. i wish you had been here for our promotion,15th bday,graduation,first day of college... you understood me and angela better than anyone. i never cried at the funeral,and i still havent cried. i feel like thats not something you would have wanted. you were such a joyous person,and so many people loved you. i'll never forget the way you looked in your hawaiian button ups,or the way you laughed. writing this puts a lump in my throat,because i wish you were here so bad.
love,
nenia.
day 10-someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
dear sebastian,john,trevor,&adam:
you guys were my best friends in middle school,and up until the end of freshmen year. i still think about some of our random memories. sebastian,i'm sorry our friendship went downhill and that i never got to say goodbye before you moved to arizona,you meant loads to me. john,it was cody's fault i've known you since the 3rd grade man,hahah. trevor,i still think about the fun times after school in drama. adam,you always asked me for money junior year,i knew it was just an excuse to talk to me b/c i hated your guts.
xoxo
steff
you guys were my best friends in middle school,and up until the end of freshmen year. i still think about some of our random memories. sebastian,i'm sorry our friendship went downhill and that i never got to say goodbye before you moved to arizona,you meant loads to me. john,it was cody's fault i've known you since the 3rd grade man,hahah. trevor,i still think about the fun times after school in drama. adam,you always asked me for money junior year,i knew it was just an excuse to talk to me b/c i hated your guts.
xoxo
steff
day 9-someone i wish i could meet
dear roomate:
i'm ecstatic,i cant wait to meet you. i have a feeling we'll have TONS in common.i apologize in advance for the bitchy behavior i know i'll have. show me your Bulgarian ways!
xoxo
steff
i'm ecstatic,i cant wait to meet you. i have a feeling we'll have TONS in common.i apologize in advance for the bitchy behavior i know i'll have. show me your Bulgarian ways!
xoxo
steff
day 7-ex/love/crush
Dear ex-boyfriend:
I’m not going to write “I hate you”,or that you “mentally fucked me over”,like most teenage girls would,because I’m not that kind of dirty player. Simply put, you’re my ex because you’re an “EXample of what I shouldn’t have again in the future."
Amicably,
the ex-girlfriend
I’m not going to write “I hate you”,or that you “mentally fucked me over”,like most teenage girls would,because I’m not that kind of dirty player. Simply put, you’re my ex because you’re an “EXample of what I shouldn’t have again in the future."
Amicably,
the ex-girlfriend
day 6-a stranger
Dear stranger:
it only takes me a few looks and a couple words to determine whether i would like you or not. 97% of the earth's population pisses me off,so I hope for you to be that one in a million.
xoxo
steff
it only takes me a few looks and a couple words to determine whether i would like you or not. 97% of the earth's population pisses me off,so I hope for you to be that one in a million.
xoxo
steff
"it’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction…I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am..I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day..I want love, a relationship, comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to."
love/hate relationship
He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone…
Summer Crossing, Truman Capote
Summer Crossing, Truman Capote
day 5-your dreams
dear dreams:
fuck you for only letting the bad ones come true. fuck you for giving me false hopes over and over again. fuck you for letting my over-active imagination get the best of you. fuck you for letting memories from that day and reminicses from the past compile together to make an amazing world that'll never be mine.
xoxo steff
fuck you for only letting the bad ones come true. fuck you for giving me false hopes over and over again. fuck you for letting my over-active imagination get the best of you. fuck you for letting memories from that day and reminicses from the past compile together to make an amazing world that'll never be mine.
xoxo steff
day 4-your siblings
dear sibling(s):
elizabeth,i know you're only seven,but you are really the only person i can count on to always put a smile on my face. i love you more than words can explain.
xoxo steff
elizabeth,i know you're only seven,but you are really the only person i can count on to always put a smile on my face. i love you more than words can explain.
xoxo steff
day 3-your parents
dear mom&dad:
dad,you've been emotionally absent my whole life. thanks for loving the tv more than you've ever loved me. kthanxbai
mom,its a rule of life that people always love the ones who've hurt them the most. i still love you.
xoxo steff
dad,you've been emotionally absent my whole life. thanks for loving the tv more than you've ever loved me. kthanxbai
mom,its a rule of life that people always love the ones who've hurt them the most. i still love you.
xoxo steff
Day 2-your crush
Dear "crush":
if i was a size 3,had an amazing voice,and made a living appearing on the disney channel,you'd know my name. Alas,i am none of those things,so i'll admire you from afar.
your number one fan,
xoxo steff
if i was a size 3,had an amazing voice,and made a living appearing on the disney channel,you'd know my name. Alas,i am none of those things,so i'll admire you from afar.
your number one fan,
xoxo steff
Day 1-Best Friend
Dear "best friend":
i've lost my touch for words,but the ones i do say are firm and sincere. Just know that i love you,and the sidewalk will always be big enough for all three of us...
xoxo steff
i've lost my touch for words,but the ones i do say are firm and sincere. Just know that i love you,and the sidewalk will always be big enough for all three of us...
xoxo steff
30 Day Letter Project
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
[ecnelis]
my eyes speak volumes.
and in a wink,yours have said it all.
someday you'll know where i'm coming from
there is no emotion for how i feel about you.
and in a wink,yours have said it all.
someday you'll know where i'm coming from
there is no emotion for how i feel about you.
eyedeekay
everything about you continues to invade my every thought.
it keeps me from having a healthy relationship & leading a normal life.
i hate you.
it keeps me from having a healthy relationship & leading a normal life.
i hate you.
i miss seeing your beat up bike on my porch. i miss the 2am phone calls asking if i was awake. i miss the three hour converations about life. i miss laughing at your ear. i miss seeing you on my couch. i miss the random knocking on my window asking for food. i miss my best friend...but you're there,& i'm here,and that's all there really is to it.
dear paul,
forgive me please,if i get a little distant at times. its my insecurities that leave me feeling lonesome. i want to give all my trust to you...
fuck you,dm!
m:"when i heard your voice,it sounded like someone died."
s:"someone did....me."
I am completely devoid of emotion,i can only blame myself. Something you said in passing broke me between the sheets, back when I gave my love away like some sort of pseudo-insurance. It feels like my bones are hollow and affection only makes me sink deeper into my own skin. I know that these are defenses;you called me compassionless. we have that thing in common. i suppose we'll keep breaking each other's hearts until we can feel our own.
s:"someone did....me."
I am completely devoid of emotion,i can only blame myself. Something you said in passing broke me between the sheets, back when I gave my love away like some sort of pseudo-insurance. It feels like my bones are hollow and affection only makes me sink deeper into my own skin. I know that these are defenses;you called me compassionless. we have that thing in common. i suppose we'll keep breaking each other's hearts until we can feel our own.
sigh,
-"i told you not to fall in love with me"
-"and i told you i wouldn't be able to help it. its your fault."
-"and i told you i wouldn't be able to help it. its your fault."
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
october 4th,2006
april 18th,2008
june 20th,2008
may 30th,2009
october 29th,2009
december 26th,2009
dates i'd like to forget.
april 18th,2008
june 20th,2008
may 30th,2009
october 29th,2009
december 26th,2009
dates i'd like to forget.
can't catch a damn break
ever get that moment where everything seems perfect,and then one thing makes it come crashing down? is that bad of me,that i find deal breakers in situtations,that i find that something that crosses the boundary between perfect and dismal? i don't know what to think,i feel at times i'm being too severe,and others too lenient. god damn,i just want some balance and stability,thats all i ask,please?
3/10/2010
10:08 PM Paul:
You are amazing<3
……………………………………………………………………
10:09 PM estefania:
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM Paul:
You are gorgeous<3
……………………………………………………………………
10:11 PM Paul:
You are MIIIIIIINE!
10:08 PM Paul:
You are amazing<3
……………………………………………………………………
10:09 PM estefania:
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM Paul:
You are gorgeous<3
……………………………………………………………………
10:11 PM Paul:
You are MIIIIIIINE!
i'm not even
looking for love. i found it,i had it in my grasp,and then I discovered it's evil twin,karma. i don't plan to fall in love ever again,nor try to. so spare me your sugar coated words and gestures of lust newbie,you don't even know what you're getting yourself into.
yea
I can't sleep. Simply looking at your damn picture is like a jab to my heart. When will I ever start to feel better? But hey,I can't say I didn't try. I put my self out there,I did what you said I should do,I went after what I wanted. and what happened...? Remind never to put forth even minimal effort. Maybe I'll come around in another 10 years or so, when everyone figures out what they want. Until then, I'm checked out on the emotional level.
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!
I have no spine,I have no guts. I've lost the ability to contain any feelings of animosity for more than a couple seconds.I don't stand up to you and I suffer through your degrading behavior. I have NEVER been one to settle for less. Old me,where the hell have you been?
live through this,and you won't look back
Time is lagging in dull lurches,i want things to speed up. Nostalgia is like a vacuum,sucking the marrow out of my life.
i began to realize
that when something so violent hits you,you can't help but lose your balance & fall. And after you pick yourself up,you realize you can't trust anybody to save you-not your best friend,not your lover,not your family,not God. So what can you do to stop yourself from tilting and falling all over again?
i'm done
with this negative shit. it seems that for the past two months all i've done is go to school,go to work,& mope around. Graduation is just around the corner,& although i am ITCHING to get out of this garbage dump,i'm not going to sit around and waste it all away. i can't. i've been using up all my energy being depressed because of jorge,when really i should just let go of it,move on & LIVE!
New Years Resolution: stay positive.
but i love me more.
holla at yo guuuuurl!
New Years Resolution: stay positive.
but i love me more.
holla at yo guuuuurl!
lessons learned
you said i taught you how to trust,how to care,how to love...
it's a shame that the only thing you didn't learn is how to take a chance with me.
YOU taught me how to trust myself,so i know i deserve better,and i'm slowly working my way out of this heartache.
it's a shame that the only thing you didn't learn is how to take a chance with me.
YOU taught me how to trust myself,so i know i deserve better,and i'm slowly working my way out of this heartache.
I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved."
~Shana Abé~
~Shana Abé~
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