I remember letting you drive my car. I remember kissing you that one night. I remember telling you I loved you, even though I wasn't love with you,not yet. I remember you climbing through my window. I remember breaking your heart over and over again. I remember chasing after you, so I could feel complete again. I remember falling in love with you. I remember that summer. I remember all the phone calls. I remember leaving 1600 miles away for school. I remember pushing you away. I remember those emails. I remember the tears hitting my pillow. I remember “I’m over you…” You ripped my heart out of my chest. I was nothing. All I could think of were all the dreams I had of us together, of the ones I was too afraid to tell you because it’d make me vulnerable. Now you’re back, and you want me to be open, but it feels like there’s tape over my mouth and my hands are tied behind my back. I’m not the same, and you can’t accept it. I can’t decide if I love you or if I hate you. You long for the beautiful words I used to whisper, but ambivalence has rendered me speechless.

You don't begin to realize how completely alone you are until you meet someone who fits so perfectly with your ragged edges, and then leaves. And then you start to see how truly detached you are from everyone around you and how could you have possibly ever thought that you were happy.

Unsent words part 1.

I’ve been spending nights writing letters to people I once knew (and people I still know), letters I’ll never send.I find a comfort in words. Perhaps this solace is irrational, I sometimes wonder. But no matter if it is temporary or lasting it is mine, here and now.My bones are filled up with words, my freckles punctuation marks, strands of my hair become sentences, growing longer each day.

I only have these words. This sentence and that one. It is not much, but it’s all I’ve got.

Writing is the only way I can communicate. A text, a note, an email, a post-it, anything. I don’t know how to talk about anything, so I keep writing it down. This way, I don’t have to stand in front of anyone and risk breaking down. When you break down, you’re at your most vulnerable, and letting someone see you like that is dangerous.

I am a fortress,I always have been.

I miss you when I least expect it. Some days I’ll let the feeling completely overwhelm me, and I’ll start to remember how you always brushed against me unintentionally or how I would take a whiff of your beautiful curls when you engulfed me in one of your bone-crushing hugs. Some days I wonder what you’re doing now that I’m not a part of your life.

It's funny how even after all these weeks,just hearing your name makes my chest ache. I hate to think about what happened to us, I hate to think that you don't care anymore. I guess I just feel like I've been left in the dust, that I can't move on, even though you were able to just fine. That fact alone is heartbreaking.

Change is like the ocean,unstoppable. If you fight the waves you end up drowning yourself. When you learn to roll with the changes you can enjoy the water.

Love,

it's enough to drive people insane, this wanting. A yearning that sings from every fiber,every atom in your body,reaching,fingertips brushing so delicately,infinitely hoping,but never satisfied.

Intellectual humility;

realizing you don't know everything, and admitting you have so much more to learn from life. Such a rare trait to come across, a person who will admit their fault and their room for improvement? It's almost unheard of...People are so adamant about proving their point,getting their voice to be heard,and being right that they never step back to get a different perspective. When in reality if we just admitted that our fictitious remarks were based upon ignorance then we could learn from people, experiences, and life so much easier.

Two days ago, I was still awake at 5am. I remember last summer,after my parents left me while they went on vacation,when we would stay up until 6am talking on the phone, even after spending the whole day together. I went to bed just as the sun was rising. I realized I missed you, despite trying so hard to block any kind of feelings out. I missed the old you. I missed talking to you about nothing,but being absolutely in love with you. Sure,I might've treated you like crap sometimes,but it's a whole lot better then how you ended up treating me. Sometimes I want to talk to you again, but I know you're not the same...Or maybe this is the real you, and the person I knew was someone I wanted you to be...

When I get anxious,I scratch the hell out of my arms or play with something that's near me,& I always avert my eyes...Point is,I never muster up the courage to just say whatever it is that makes me so anxious. I bottle it up,and then explode.

going nowhere fast

I constantly feel this pull between letting you go & between letting you work your way into becoming a bigger presence in my life. The distance proves alot; you obviously never realized how much a part of your life i was until I was no longer there. I feel disappointment after every phone call. It's silly to want something that is no longer there,to wish you were someone you no longer are. Every light & playful conversation brings us back to a topic that I want dead and buried. I don't censor my words; I tell you exactly what I want,when I want. That seems to help move us forward,when I feel that we're going nowhere fast.

NOW&THEN

this past year i fell out of love,fell back into to,had my fair share of headaches,heartaches & loneliness,felt out of place. I look at my self now and I try to believe that I'm satisfied with who I am and what I've got.


Who I was,my age, my looks,my changes, my memories,my mistakes,my life: fading. I’m already remembering this. This phase, this stage, this state of self-adjustment. Bringing me closer to the actual feeling of when I can look back, realistically. Without pretending to have already done this.

I endure it all now...

This year has gone by too quickly for me to understand...how did i do that,why did that happen,how did i go through all of that and still survive,how did you & i get to this point..

 But I’ve gone through this before. “Change”. I recognize this urgency, to past time so that I can finally reach… something.


I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. Regardless, I’m looking forward to it.