Have you seen what you've done to my heart and soul? It's a wasteland now

I'm not going deal with the emotional scraps he hands me. Better a swollen heart than a shrunken one. au revoir.



"I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but I don't have the energy."

voulez-vous?

"I'm lonely, Campbell," Julia adds. "Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has its own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. You don't love someone because they're perfect," she says. "You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

I don't know how to respond to that; it's like being told after thirty-five years that the sky, which I've seen as a brilliant blue, is in fact rather green.

"And another thing-this time, you don't get to leave me. I'm going to leave you.

If possible, that only makes me feel worse. I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but I don't have the energy. "So go."

Julia settles next to me. “I will,” she says. “In another fifty or sixty years.”

rip yourself open,sew yourself shut

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

i just want to know

that somewhere inside you,is still you.

"12586.) I hate having the temptation to get a hold of you first…I hate looking at my cellphone tempted to just dial your number..I hate typing a message meant for you and end up erasing it anyway…I hate the fact that every time I get a hold of you first..you automatically have me over my head and make me feel that i am desperate."

nowadays

most people are non-existent to me,mainly guys. I'm not going to try,i'm not going to wait,it seems i'm the only one who sticks to what i say. I feel as if letting go is better than maintaining control. Absolutely nothing good can come of over thinking things.

sometimes i still need you

its funny,how between two people,a relationship can go from being adjoined at the hip one year,to the next our sole communication being via 10 second voicemails. i don't even know what i want anymore.

there are

two kinds of love. in the safe kind,you look for someone who's exactly like you. it's what people settle for. & then there's the different kind of love. everyone's born with a ragged edge,some crave the piece thats the perfect fit. you'll search forever,if you have to. and if you're lucky enough to find it,it looks so right,you start to tear at your own seams,thinking "maybe i could look just as perfect". but then of course,when you try to get close to being their other half,you don't fit. that kind of love...you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.

its easier,

i plan to confront you,eventually. about how you see avoidance as normal,& i see it as a warning. how we don't know how to talk to each other anymore,how in protecting our own territory we've lost common ground. before it's too late,i plan to say that whatever kind of love has brought us together is dwindling and tearing us apart. at times,i've feared that it will never overflow into plenty,that its enough for now,but not forever.

Here it is. I saw potential in you. I was the hope in your life. But really,I just wore myself better than you did. The only difference between us is that I know I'll be okay,that I can do what I have to do and that I'm a good person that other people can count on. But you unraveled that. You had a good soul;the problem is that you don't know it yourself. You don't have the words. Nobody has ever held up a mirror to you and said,"Look,you are a good person,you can do this." I saw inside you when you thought I wasn't looking,and what I saw was this amazing person. You thought I saw otherwise,that I looked down on you,but that isn't right. The truth is,you look down on yourself. You're afraid of exploring beyond your own cubbyhole,of meeting anybody's expectations. I'm tired of trying to change you. Its ridiculous,attempting to make someone they're simply not. But you know what mattered most? I believed in you,& I believed you capable of being a better person. I wasn't pretending.

It's time to face the addict that's inside of me. I deserve better. You're slowly pushing me away; thank you,it'll be a clean break.

You can say I'm stuck in a mold & I don't care,I'd choose solitude over keeping up with the rest of you assholes any day.

i'd rather

you just cut me loose now,than let me fade away.
i don't do well in grey areas...

i feel lost in the labyrinth of YOU. tell me something,lion of my soul,when are we EVER going to stop this? whatever happens,i don't care if my heart is broken as long as my soul is at peace...

people believe all things are true and false,yin and yang. why doesn't anything else matter? why do we blindly follow and not question the world in which we live?

the reason why

like ivy,you creep back,latching onto the chambers in my heart,leeching onto the safety of my soul,then slithering through my veins and out my pores.

i've started running. i don't give a damn anymore about keeping my expectations in check. i'm surrendering myself completely to hope. i'm elated. i know that what i believe is what i'll find.

and i know,i KNOW.
you have an indelible memory.you can never forget a thing! well,let me tell you,your recollection of every last detail has nothing to do with memory. it's called holding a goddamn grudge.

fate

from the latin root "fatal"


i'm cut loose,untethered,not belonging to anyone or anything.

love shmlove

who needs it?
this is why i've always kept my mouth shut.

me myself&i

You were happy once; you were sunshine and smiles and a brightness that radiated. You may be cloudy now, you may not want to sing. You may just want to fold inside of yourself, on the oldest couch you can find, by the biggest window, and watch it rain.
You used to find that little things made you happy; now you can’t even find the big things. Somehow, along the way, you lost yourself.
One foot in front of the other, and you will find your way back.

nothing but a miracle

"love is a trap. when it appears we see only its light,not its shadows."



please,i wish i could vent properly.

throughout this whole time, the second he was giving up,I was deeply blaming myself. As if, every stunt he pulled was my fault.I'm here questioning God,wondering if something was wrong with ME! I don't understand, how it is so easy for someone to push aside their feelings, let alone HIDE how they truly feel about you, because they’re just afraid of being put in the same old predicament. MOVE ON,LET IT GO. So they accept the next person that can fill their emptiness. Then I'm here on the other end thinking,WAS I NOT ENOUGH? Now I feel like all my hard work, time & effort was completely stripped out of my hands. & I have no control over it. Am I the one with the problem?
But in conclusion,it's not me. Its him.
I'm just generous with love. He’s the one who’s addicted to the idea of finding it,even though it's right in front of him.

& you know what?
That's not MY problem.

waiting to exhale

i'm generous with myself,willing to risk my heart. no rules,no fear. you say take a step and dive in,but all you do is wade in caution.

jenny makes my world go round

there's blood in my mouth cause i've been biting my tongue all week.
p.s. i miss my hair

love and some verses

love is a dress you made,long to hide your knees
Love to say this to your face,I'll love you only
Love and some verses you hear,say what you can say
Love to say this in your ear,I'll love you that way

to the girl across the street

Everyone always want to be the stronger person, the more stable person, the happiest person the world has yet to see. I can blow off a situation like it never happened, memories can be erased from me like nothing was ever embedded in my mind or heart, but that only happens when I feel wronged by you. Why should I be the one chasing you when it seems like … I’m no longer the friend I once was to you. I don't mind the silence or tense feeling, I don't mind the loneliness I feel sometimes, because I feel … better knowing that I was once something important to you. I’m better off picking up the pieces by myself.
You dont understand, you just dont know.

'twas fate

light will pour out of your eyes,& i'll make you see that we belong. And you'll stick with me,because nature needs no glue.

your words aren't a love song,more like a love bomb,and they crashed and burned all over my heart.

what if Prince Charming had never shown up on his noble steed? What if he had never kissed Snow White & woken her up & they had never lived happily ever after? Would she have stayed asleep for all eternity? Or would she have gotten up, spit out the apple,gotten some health insurance & had a baby from a sperm donor? Does that mean that in every strong woman there lays a delicate flower? Is that all women want,to be rescued?

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

urbandictionary.com

it was a good laugh.

1.Estefania

1. The most beautiful female in the world. Most people think of her as an angel, but is actually a goddess in human form.

2. A word that can be used in any part of speech to mean beautiful, smart, sexy, awesome, etc.

Verb: He Estefanied the park enough to make everyone love it.
Noun: That was Estefania.
Adverb: With you or without you, I can Estefanialy make this work.
Adjective: When I look into your eyes, I can't look away because they are so Estefania.


2. estefania

the coolest chick ever

1.estefania kicks ass!



3. estefania

the bunny that lives under your bed and constantly haunts your dream of oranges and bananas.

1.Holy SHIT!? Is that estefania! It was in my dream too. WHAT A DOUCHE!

like i said

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

love is a four letter word for "here's my heart and soul please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy."




i hope you like your meat rare.

i wanna stay

too many times, I have wondered what all the trying is for. I'm gonna drown cos I know that you've fallen short. but do you know? it doesn't change the way I feel about you, at the end of the day. cos I know, that I all I want is what you got. too many times, I have wanted to turn around and walk away knowing deep inside, you can't provide what I need from you, anyway. i wanna stay but I know I'm gonna lose myself this way.

you ask me if i think it's worth it,i've never been more sure.
but its never made sense for me to love you,or for you to love me,i've always known that.

you know what?

my hearts empty,i'm empty. anything else just gets me into trouble. c'est la vie.

Despite the fact that there are over 7 billion people on this earth,there are the times where you feel shipwrecked & alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would need a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.

your words are non existent to everyone else but me.

r.i.p.

how is our first thanksgiving,birthday,christmas going to be without you?
what about graduation?
how is elizabeth,my baby sister,going to be growing up without you?



rest in paradise,papa♥

be honest,am i just a habit you're too tired to break?

f.y.i.

if i could,i would.

alluring?

helplesshopelessselflessreckless
brainlesscarelesscluelessdefenseless
heartless.

;)

popularity is trivial, therefore i see no reason to worry about it. people demand too much;too much love,too much faith,too much attention. i know i'm selfish,i know i'm apathetic. but i do have a heart,i am a soul. i've put my unending trust in those select few,& those people have unfortunately let me down.

the saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone,and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a known name.

you

INVADE everything. i hate you. i love you.

back

into this cocoon i creep...

one day,
i'll let him inside my labyrinth of a mind. he'll see how he goes in and out of it,all the time. how the blood flows from my brain through my veins,flows through all my imperfections and into my heart. he has the key;someone else could imitate it,but never duplicate it. i hate this feeling.i think he's perfect. maybe some day he'll see,...and someday he might also might find another stupid insignificant member of the female species who can get her dirty,unworthy paws on him,& there's nothing i can do about it.
why? cause he's everything I need him to be,except mine.

the

mirror is my nemesis.

open

y o u r e y e s !

you just don't see it.

sweet dream or beautiful nightmare?

it was as close to perfection as i've ever gotten.
you were standing right in front of me & you said those three little words that i thought i'd never hear...
"i love you".
i laughed and looked away,not believing,thinking this is too good to be true.
you grabbed my shoulders,looked me in the eyes and said "no steff,i really love you. i have all along".
you started to lean ever so slowly towards me,and then...



i woke up.






dreams are not as fun when they have no chance of coming true.

some days i wake up feeling that i don't need you,thinking about how much simpler my life would be if it wasn't for you.

other days i wake up not knowing where i'd be without you,feeling like i'd die if you weren't near.


it's a constant pull of opposites,& i know you feel it too.



one day it's heaven,one day it's hell.


is this right?
is this the way its supposed to be?

i've realized i'm a very secretive person.
and thats seen only as a bad thing to most people.
sure,i don't keep opinions to myself,i tell you how it is.
one of the perks of being a girl who doesn't care what the world thinks.
but when it comes down to it,i still have my walls.
i just need someone to tell me to open up,to get through inside my mind,
to tell ME how it is for once.

summerlovin'

i don't understand this mess of emotions i'm in. i was doing soooo well,being happy. summer always ruins things for me,or do i ruin things for myself? there's a funny thing about me,& i know it all too well. i can understand and analyze and predict the exact outcome of my crazy,self-destructive behavior,and go ahead and do it anyways. it's called pre-mediation,and it causes people to go to jail for their whole lives,as opposed to a couple of years.

f.y.i.

i don't care when you're leaving,or how far away you're going to be from me,or even if the next time i see you will be the last in a really long time...



no matter what happens,i am NOT saying goodbye.

?????

E-ste-fa-ni-a noun

definition of the word: a girl that has intense feelings of attraction for a boy named ______

?????
?????
?????
?????
?????
?????
?????

i'm a hopeless romantic who thinks romance is hopeless

I hate sounding like those desperately weak girls who walk around shouting to the whole world who they think their "perfect boy" is. Typical girl things are unappealing to me. The whole love game nonsense,not for me. The whole "talking" stage,not my cup of tea. Why can't it be like old times,where you look someone in the eyes,without saying a single world,and realizing you've found the one person who was fated for you? Where it's okay to say "yes it's true do people fall in love,people do belong together" Where you once had the reassurance although it's always going to be hard,never easy,it was okay,because you had each other and it was the only shot we have at happiness. I've come to the conclusion that I spend a whole lot of time dreaming and fussing about a certain member of the opposite sex. i know it's not going anywhere,but for some reason i have a flicker of hope. I'm surprised no one's slapped me awake and told me to shut up about him already. ahhhh i don't even know where i'm going with this !
i'm alone,cos he's there but completely out of my reach.
although i'm still loved,
is that enough?

:)

Life is about trusting our feelings & taking chances,losing and finding happiness,appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

you're too young to be stuck in that cage you call a life.
you're too young to be scared.
you're too young to as cautious as you are.

Listen! Take a chance.Be bold,be something,say something. LOVE!

your middle name is always

RAGE!



i'm not going to cry.
i'm not going to be mad.
i'm not going to be bitter.
i'm going to be grateful, & calmly thank you.

the last word,

i just can't get you to see what i see. Maybe you're just a lost cause.


the right thing to do is to walk away.

but the things is,i'm not into the idea of being without you,and i'm not into the idea of living without you,cliche and all.

it's just that something...

In my group of friends, I’ve always been the cynic. The realistic one. No dreaming for me, no sireee. I’ve never loved anyone fully, always one foot on the ground. I’ve watched my contemporaries drift through relationship after relationship, observing from afar, hoping and praying that I don’t make the same mistakes, all the while having the biggest mistake I’ve ever made hiding in the back of my mind. But this time, I’ve fallen in too deep. This is something I can’t swim away from, no matter how hard I try. I’m drowning in it. The waves of time crash against me, and I have only my will for an anchor.

I know the warning signs, I know the risks. I’m not handing my heart over on a silver platter. Not Never again.

just about sums it all up,

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive your car
I hate it when you stare

I hate your stupid taped up shoes
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you don't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

realizations.

so this morning,i lay in my bed & it finally hit me that i'm finally a senior. i've been waiting for this moment for so long. And then i thought about how different things and people are compared to my first year of high school,especially myself.

let's see...
what separates the freshman from the senior :


*i'm a more loving person
*i'm more optimistic
*i'm a tad bit more outgoing
*my cousin would introduce me to a girl named maryjane
*i've spent the last three years of my life stupidly going back and forth between two boys
*i'd go back on my word and give d.m. more chances
*that i'd fall for someone who i thought was so amazingly wonderful and fit almost perfectly with me
*who knew that said person would be my best friend
*that i've lost touch with one of the girls i once considered my good friend and who i've known since the 4th grade
*i would come to see sex as simply a physical thing,not a "connection" between 2 people
*i'm finally comfortable in my own skin
*i'd STILL be so indecisive
*that finally my report card was finally close to a 4.0
*i'd have a job,and i'd LOVVEEEEEE that job
*i'd get alot closer to certain family members
*i'd have stupid,insignificant girls hate me simply b/c i've dated a boy they like/liked
*i'd get high for the first time,and show up to school under said influence

lucky number seven

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

dear miss alice,

i've been fooled. i find myself running backwards to protect my own heart.it was only a few weeks ago that i found myself spinning in porcelain tea cups. What have i allowed myself to do? i refuse to play games with my heart. i REFUSE. i've always been in charge in all situations,is now the time i step back? do i give him the benefit of the doubt? assumptions haven't gotten me far. he's become sneakier than the chesire cat, & i feel tiny in this grand scheme of things. we're running out of time,he's running out of time. he's been running out of time. it's no use chasing after something i'm not ever going to get back.
i've given up on my idea of a wonderland.

when people act of emotions, i understand.
it's easier to spin out of control when everything else around you doesn't fall into place.
but then again, who's life is all put together?
it just may seem like that.

take your love of money,your love of this run down society,take the people who don't even know who you are,take your love of plastic perfection,take your love of people's opinions.
take it,and stick back in that thing you call a heart.
i don't even know who you are anymore.
so take the money and watch it burn
watch it as it all goes up in flames
Until you realize what you got to learn
you'll make the same mistake over and over again

PLEASE

i showed you a world i've spent my life keeping a lock on,and for what?


please,write away your negatives,your lies,your games.
return to me clean slated.
return to the time where we were as easy and natural as breathing.

i have a problem. I feel like we're on a rollercoaster,one i'm forever trapped in. sometimes i feel like i'm just in your way. i have the most irrational fears. i need something new,i need the fresh air,i need to be able to breathe again. what we have is not a blissful thing. everything is getting old, and nothing that is new is in my reach anymore. i have more insecurities than the stars,my insecurities could eat me alive,& believe me,they are doing a good job...

i've never seen someone try so hard to shut someone out. just stop. i can't breathe in your pool of lies. do you have any idea? how deep can you dig your hole? doesn't matter,it's always gonna be there. you can try and try and try,but its STILL THERE. i wanna be the light in your darkness. you're throwing away every good thing thats come to your side. just let it be. you've said its made you the person you are today. so let it be. let it continue to make you a better person,and don't let the hole suffocate you and cloud your view.

!

just when i say i'm done,& i know what i want,& it isn't you,i change my mind.i don't see your face often,i don't feel your arms around me the way i used to.i miss you,more than i let myself acknowledge,more than i want to,more than i should.all i have to do is see your face,enclose my self in your arms,listen to your heartbeat,& feel you inhale,then exhale,& the world stops.i forget everything i've ever said,every bitter emotion i've ever felt.and it's just you and me again...

reflections.

mhmmm
thinkthinkthink.

i've got it all figured out.

i'm doing it for me.

baby,

we'll never be on the same page.

gahhh

i need
i need
i need

i want amnesia

enough said

...

fuck honesty.
fuck people.
fuck hope.
fuck faith.
fuck caring.
fuck opinions.
fuck chances.
fuck optimism.
fuck the L word.



"we're just letting it go to waste. here are two people who love each other,& we're letting it go to waste."-you♥

question.

am i doing it for me,or am i doing it for you?

the L word

tired tired tired.
stayed up until 2 am,
sitting under my tree with the person i think just may be my soul mate.
i have choices choices choices to make.
stay or go?
i wish it was that easy.
BEST night ever,because you showed me...
WORST night ever,because you told me...

i'm not the same person i used to be.
i love my present,but i also love my past.
i'm not ashamed of what i've had,& i'm not sad because i have it no longer.
i know who i am,and who i want to be.

I always believed that in life if you wanted something so bad, you would never give up on getting it but now, i kinda feel there are somethings you just got to let go - let nature do the work.

...

what in the devil happened to us ?!























oh yessss,right...






different schools,different friends,different directions,different LIFE...

frowns.

we're back and forth,hot and cold.
it's safe to say you keep me on my feet.
keep my heart safe,i've left in your hands.

don'tmakemymistake.

your heart is an empty room

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do.

you.

don't hide love.
express it.
not to demand that they love you back,but to express what you feel inwardly outwardly.

ups&downsss.

10:18 pm,drinking tea,listening to ambient music,reminiscing on a beautiful day spent with a beautiful friend,thinking of ex-lovers,wishing for once that i had one to hold in my arms,i'm singing along,wishing i had written this song,i want to do something no ones ever done before. where is my mind?

cacapoopoopeepee

i am so impatient.
please,let's read each other's minds and figure out which road we're going to take.

because i'm ready for this adventure,i just wish you'd let me know if you are too...

f.i.i.l.

friday i'm in love
friday i'm in love.
friday,i'm in love.

i want to see The Cure @ C-fest soooo bad.
anyone wanna come?

:pp

virtues.

patience is something i struggle with.

3.26.09

right,left,right,left.
i am slowly walking myself out of this slump and back to my normal estefania self.

etc.

life and death,energy and peace.
if i stop today,it'll still be worth it.
even all the terrible mistakes i've made,and unmade if i could.
the pains that have burned me and scarred my soul,it was worth it.
for having been allowed to walk
where i have walked,
which was to hell on earth,
heaven on earth,
back again,into
under.
far in between
through it,& above.

dot dot dot...

it's been a month or two since i've seen your face. the smile that always made me feel right at home. the smile that told me everything was going to be alright. i try to tell myself that i don't miss you,and i'm getting pretty good at it.

amilying?

e v e r y d a y

you think i'm the one who shuts everyone out but maybe you didn't try very hard to stay in . no phone calls or conversations came my way. you said we should stop this and try to be better,but i don't see any difference,and i guess that's my fault too. and i'm the reason i'm unhappy right?

>.<

That is the way it is with a wound. The wound begins to close in on itself,to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed,you no longer see what is underneath,what started the pain...

the joy luck club

"What was worse,we asked among ourselves,to sit and wait for our own deaths with proper somber faces? Or to choose our own happiness?"

just becasue i'm losing,doesn't mean i'm lost.

so i've been trying to keep my head & be strong. it gets harder & harder,but i'm not giving in. i just have to believe that although because i'm in the gutter,that doesn't mean i can't look at the stars...

on my way,

hands down,i'm too proud for love. but with eyes shut it's you i'm thinking of. but how we move from A to B it can't be up to me. cause you don't know who i was before you,basically to see a change in me. i'd be losing,so i just ignore you,yeah. but you're on my mind,my mind,my mind,my mind. and maybe in time time time i'll tell you. but you're on my mindmindmind....

...

i never thought it'd have to be like that. i've always seen the good in you,& given you the benefit of the doubt.but you can't see or don't bother to try to understand what i'm doing.you make me feel like i can't breathe,& this time it's not in a good way.one day you'll realize what you've done to me,and you'll need me,but i won't be there.
neveragain.

-my dream boy is a fallacy.

never.

i have a list of 13 things it's perfectly okay not do to in life and writing a blog is on it.

hell,even reading a blog.

ha,oh well.