sweet pea

I remember letting you drive my car. I remember kissing you that one night. I remember telling you I loved you, even though I wasn't love with you,not yet. I remember you climbing through my window. I remember breaking your heart over and over again. I remember chasing after you, so I could feel complete again. I remember falling in love with you. I remember that summer. I remember all the phone calls. I remember leaving 1600 miles away for school. I remember pushing you away. I remember those emails. I remember the tears hitting my pillow. I remember “I’m over you…” You ripped my heart out of my chest. I was nothing. All I could think of were all the dreams I had of us together, of the ones I was too afraid to tell you because it’d make me vulnerable. Now you’re back, and you want me to be open, but it feels like there’s tape over my mouth and my hands are tied behind my back. I’m not the same, and you can’t accept it. I can’t decide if I love you or if I hate you. You long for the beautiful words I used to whisper, but ambivalence has rendered me speechless.