"12586.) I hate having the temptation to get a hold of you first…I hate looking at my cellphone tempted to just dial your number..I hate typing a message meant for you and end up erasing it anyway…I hate the fact that every time I get a hold of you first..you automatically have me over my head and make me feel that i am desperate."
nowadays
most people are non-existent to me,mainly guys. I'm not going to try,i'm not going to wait,it seems i'm the only one who sticks to what i say. I feel as if letting go is better than maintaining control. Absolutely nothing good can come of over thinking things.
sometimes i still need you
its funny,how between two people,a relationship can go from being adjoined at the hip one year,to the next our sole communication being via 10 second voicemails. i don't even know what i want anymore.
there are
two kinds of love. in the safe kind,you look for someone who's exactly like you. it's what people settle for. & then there's the different kind of love. everyone's born with a ragged edge,some crave the piece thats the perfect fit. you'll search forever,if you have to. and if you're lucky enough to find it,it looks so right,you start to tear at your own seams,thinking "maybe i could look just as perfect". but then of course,when you try to get close to being their other half,you don't fit. that kind of love...you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.
i plan to confront you,eventually. about how you see avoidance as normal,& i see it as a warning. how we don't know how to talk to each other anymore,how in protecting our own territory we've lost common ground. before it's too late,i plan to say that whatever kind of love has brought us together is dwindling and tearing us apart. at times,i've feared that it will never overflow into plenty,that its enough for now,but not forever.
Here it is. I saw potential in you. I was the hope in your life. But really,I just wore myself better than you did. The only difference between us is that I know I'll be okay,that I can do what I have to do and that I'm a good person that other people can count on. But you unraveled that. You had a good soul;the problem is that you don't know it yourself. You don't have the words. Nobody has ever held up a mirror to you and said,"Look,you are a good person,you can do this." I saw inside you when you thought I wasn't looking,and what I saw was this amazing person. You thought I saw otherwise,that I looked down on you,but that isn't right. The truth is,you look down on yourself. You're afraid of exploring beyond your own cubbyhole,of meeting anybody's expectations. I'm tired of trying to change you. Its ridiculous,attempting to make someone they're simply not. But you know what mattered most? I believed in you,& I believed you capable of being a better person. I wasn't pretending.
the reason why
like ivy,you creep back,latching onto the chambers in my heart,leeching onto the safety of my soul,then slithering through my veins and out my pores.
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