i began to realize

that when something so violent hits you,you can't help but lose your balance & fall. And after you pick yourself up,you realize you can't trust anybody to save you-not your best friend,not your lover,not your family,not God. So what can you do to stop yourself from tilting and falling all over again?

i'm done

with this negative shit. it seems that for the past two months all i've done is go to school,go to work,& mope around. Graduation is just around the corner,& although i am ITCHING to get out of this garbage dump,i'm not going to sit around and waste it all away. i can't. i've been using up all my energy being depressed because of jorge,when really i should just let go of it,move on & LIVE!
New Years Resolution: stay positive.


but i love me more.
holla at yo guuuuurl!

lessons learned

you said i taught you how to trust,how to care,how to love...
it's a shame that the only thing you didn't learn is how to take a chance with me.

YOU taught me how to trust myself,so i know i deserve better,and i'm slowly working my way out of this heartache.

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved."

~Shana Abé~

Have you seen what you've done to my heart and soul? It's a wasteland now

I'm not going deal with the emotional scraps he hands me. Better a swollen heart than a shrunken one. au revoir.



"I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but I don't have the energy."

voulez-vous?

"I'm lonely, Campbell," Julia adds. "Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has its own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. You don't love someone because they're perfect," she says. "You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

I don't know how to respond to that; it's like being told after thirty-five years that the sky, which I've seen as a brilliant blue, is in fact rather green.

"And another thing-this time, you don't get to leave me. I'm going to leave you.

If possible, that only makes me feel worse. I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but I don't have the energy. "So go."

Julia settles next to me. “I will,” she says. “In another fifty or sixty years.”

rip yourself open,sew yourself shut

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

i just want to know

that somewhere inside you,is still you.

"12586.) I hate having the temptation to get a hold of you first…I hate looking at my cellphone tempted to just dial your number..I hate typing a message meant for you and end up erasing it anyway…I hate the fact that every time I get a hold of you first..you automatically have me over my head and make me feel that i am desperate."

nowadays

most people are non-existent to me,mainly guys. I'm not going to try,i'm not going to wait,it seems i'm the only one who sticks to what i say. I feel as if letting go is better than maintaining control. Absolutely nothing good can come of over thinking things.

sometimes i still need you

its funny,how between two people,a relationship can go from being adjoined at the hip one year,to the next our sole communication being via 10 second voicemails. i don't even know what i want anymore.

there are

two kinds of love. in the safe kind,you look for someone who's exactly like you. it's what people settle for. & then there's the different kind of love. everyone's born with a ragged edge,some crave the piece thats the perfect fit. you'll search forever,if you have to. and if you're lucky enough to find it,it looks so right,you start to tear at your own seams,thinking "maybe i could look just as perfect". but then of course,when you try to get close to being their other half,you don't fit. that kind of love...you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.

its easier,

i plan to confront you,eventually. about how you see avoidance as normal,& i see it as a warning. how we don't know how to talk to each other anymore,how in protecting our own territory we've lost common ground. before it's too late,i plan to say that whatever kind of love has brought us together is dwindling and tearing us apart. at times,i've feared that it will never overflow into plenty,that its enough for now,but not forever.

Here it is. I saw potential in you. I was the hope in your life. But really,I just wore myself better than you did. The only difference between us is that I know I'll be okay,that I can do what I have to do and that I'm a good person that other people can count on. But you unraveled that. You had a good soul;the problem is that you don't know it yourself. You don't have the words. Nobody has ever held up a mirror to you and said,"Look,you are a good person,you can do this." I saw inside you when you thought I wasn't looking,and what I saw was this amazing person. You thought I saw otherwise,that I looked down on you,but that isn't right. The truth is,you look down on yourself. You're afraid of exploring beyond your own cubbyhole,of meeting anybody's expectations. I'm tired of trying to change you. Its ridiculous,attempting to make someone they're simply not. But you know what mattered most? I believed in you,& I believed you capable of being a better person. I wasn't pretending.