When I get anxious,I scratch the hell out of my arms or play with something that's near me,& I always avert my eyes...Point is,I never muster up the courage to just say whatever it is that makes me so anxious. I bottle it up,and then explode.

going nowhere fast

I constantly feel this pull between letting you go & between letting you work your way into becoming a bigger presence in my life. The distance proves alot; you obviously never realized how much a part of your life i was until I was no longer there. I feel disappointment after every phone call. It's silly to want something that is no longer there,to wish you were someone you no longer are. Every light & playful conversation brings us back to a topic that I want dead and buried. I don't censor my words; I tell you exactly what I want,when I want. That seems to help move us forward,when I feel that we're going nowhere fast.

NOW&THEN

this past year i fell out of love,fell back into to,had my fair share of headaches,heartaches & loneliness,felt out of place. I look at my self now and I try to believe that I'm satisfied with who I am and what I've got.


Who I was,my age, my looks,my changes, my memories,my mistakes,my life: fading. I’m already remembering this. This phase, this stage, this state of self-adjustment. Bringing me closer to the actual feeling of when I can look back, realistically. Without pretending to have already done this.

I endure it all now...

This year has gone by too quickly for me to understand...how did i do that,why did that happen,how did i go through all of that and still survive,how did you & i get to this point..

 But I’ve gone through this before. “Change”. I recognize this urgency, to past time so that I can finally reach… something.


I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. Regardless, I’m looking forward to it.

"You are your hair and your eyes and your thoughts. You are what you look at and what you feel and what you do about it. The light from the sun is still a part of the sun. My thoughts of you are as real as any part of you."

if there was ever one picture that summed up exactly how i feel, and could put absolutely everything in perspective in my life… it would be this picture. but no matter how much you want to, and how hard you try, some of those people will NEVER deserve anything good in their life. they’ll constantly continue to take advantage of it. they need to lose everything. they need to lose it all. because maybe then they’ll realize everything they’ve taken for granted.

and even then, that’s giving them way too much credit. some people won’t change.

i have one question that goes through my mind:


how can I miss what has never existed?

I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for. You were meant to read these words.

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear Mathilde:

The short months that I got to know you were some of the best. I wish we had more time to get to know each other. You & ami made Broadcasting so enjoyable for me. You are such a beautiful person,inside & out. We’ll be seeing each other in Paris soon.
Au revoir,
Steff

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Dear “you”:

The mere thought of being apart from you creates an even bigger hole in my chest. I’d like for you to think that I can live without you, but the truth is,i don't have the energy.My friends have gotten tired of the pathetic excuses as to why I keep you in my life. Only you know that answer.

until the stars burn out,
steff

dazefordays