some days i wake up feeling that i don't need you,thinking about how much simpler my life would be if it wasn't for you.

other days i wake up not knowing where i'd be without you,feeling like i'd die if you weren't near.


it's a constant pull of opposites,& i know you feel it too.



one day it's heaven,one day it's hell.


is this right?
is this the way its supposed to be?

i've realized i'm a very secretive person.
and thats seen only as a bad thing to most people.
sure,i don't keep opinions to myself,i tell you how it is.
one of the perks of being a girl who doesn't care what the world thinks.
but when it comes down to it,i still have my walls.
i just need someone to tell me to open up,to get through inside my mind,
to tell ME how it is for once.

summerlovin'

i don't understand this mess of emotions i'm in. i was doing soooo well,being happy. summer always ruins things for me,or do i ruin things for myself? there's a funny thing about me,& i know it all too well. i can understand and analyze and predict the exact outcome of my crazy,self-destructive behavior,and go ahead and do it anyways. it's called pre-mediation,and it causes people to go to jail for their whole lives,as opposed to a couple of years.

f.y.i.

i don't care when you're leaving,or how far away you're going to be from me,or even if the next time i see you will be the last in a really long time...



no matter what happens,i am NOT saying goodbye.

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E-ste-fa-ni-a noun

definition of the word: a girl that has intense feelings of attraction for a boy named ______

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i'm a hopeless romantic who thinks romance is hopeless

I hate sounding like those desperately weak girls who walk around shouting to the whole world who they think their "perfect boy" is. Typical girl things are unappealing to me. The whole love game nonsense,not for me. The whole "talking" stage,not my cup of tea. Why can't it be like old times,where you look someone in the eyes,without saying a single world,and realizing you've found the one person who was fated for you? Where it's okay to say "yes it's true do people fall in love,people do belong together" Where you once had the reassurance although it's always going to be hard,never easy,it was okay,because you had each other and it was the only shot we have at happiness. I've come to the conclusion that I spend a whole lot of time dreaming and fussing about a certain member of the opposite sex. i know it's not going anywhere,but for some reason i have a flicker of hope. I'm surprised no one's slapped me awake and told me to shut up about him already. ahhhh i don't even know where i'm going with this !
i'm alone,cos he's there but completely out of my reach.
although i'm still loved,
is that enough?

:)

Life is about trusting our feelings & taking chances,losing and finding happiness,appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

you're too young to be stuck in that cage you call a life.
you're too young to be scared.
you're too young to as cautious as you are.

Listen! Take a chance.Be bold,be something,say something. LOVE!

your middle name is always

RAGE!



i'm not going to cry.
i'm not going to be mad.
i'm not going to be bitter.
i'm going to be grateful, & calmly thank you.

the last word,

i just can't get you to see what i see. Maybe you're just a lost cause.


the right thing to do is to walk away.

but the things is,i'm not into the idea of being without you,and i'm not into the idea of living without you,cliche and all.

it's just that something...

In my group of friends, I’ve always been the cynic. The realistic one. No dreaming for me, no sireee. I’ve never loved anyone fully, always one foot on the ground. I’ve watched my contemporaries drift through relationship after relationship, observing from afar, hoping and praying that I don’t make the same mistakes, all the while having the biggest mistake I’ve ever made hiding in the back of my mind. But this time, I’ve fallen in too deep. This is something I can’t swim away from, no matter how hard I try. I’m drowning in it. The waves of time crash against me, and I have only my will for an anchor.

I know the warning signs, I know the risks. I’m not handing my heart over on a silver platter. Not Never again.

just about sums it all up,

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive your car
I hate it when you stare

I hate your stupid taped up shoes
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you don't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

realizations.

so this morning,i lay in my bed & it finally hit me that i'm finally a senior. i've been waiting for this moment for so long. And then i thought about how different things and people are compared to my first year of high school,especially myself.

let's see...
what separates the freshman from the senior :


*i'm a more loving person
*i'm more optimistic
*i'm a tad bit more outgoing
*my cousin would introduce me to a girl named maryjane
*i've spent the last three years of my life stupidly going back and forth between two boys
*i'd go back on my word and give d.m. more chances
*that i'd fall for someone who i thought was so amazingly wonderful and fit almost perfectly with me
*who knew that said person would be my best friend
*that i've lost touch with one of the girls i once considered my good friend and who i've known since the 4th grade
*i would come to see sex as simply a physical thing,not a "connection" between 2 people
*i'm finally comfortable in my own skin
*i'd STILL be so indecisive
*that finally my report card was finally close to a 4.0
*i'd have a job,and i'd LOVVEEEEEE that job
*i'd get alot closer to certain family members
*i'd have stupid,insignificant girls hate me simply b/c i've dated a boy they like/liked
*i'd get high for the first time,and show up to school under said influence

lucky number seven

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

dear miss alice,

i've been fooled. i find myself running backwards to protect my own heart.it was only a few weeks ago that i found myself spinning in porcelain tea cups. What have i allowed myself to do? i refuse to play games with my heart. i REFUSE. i've always been in charge in all situations,is now the time i step back? do i give him the benefit of the doubt? assumptions haven't gotten me far. he's become sneakier than the chesire cat, & i feel tiny in this grand scheme of things. we're running out of time,he's running out of time. he's been running out of time. it's no use chasing after something i'm not ever going to get back.
i've given up on my idea of a wonderland.